Rainy days can sure feel depressing. The grey colored clouds stain the city with a deep sense of heaviness. Trying to go out for a walk can feel futile and staying indoors in my quiet apartment reminds me how miserable some days can be. My eyes glaze over the computer screen and I feel a numbness over my brows and though I feel awake, the only thing I want to do sometimes is sleep until the sun shines again. I really don’t enjoy how I’m feeling today. I suppose that’s OK and understandable…I just simply wish I didn’t feel this heaviness in me.
Depression can be a bitch. It reminds us how lonely we are even if we are surrounded by people. My mind wanders and ruminates on all the unfortunate and negative events in my life: The lost relationships with my sister, brother and mom. Stress at work. My son’s battle with depression. Financial strain. And I’m feeling lonely and still missing my ex-girlfriend though a year will have gone by in a matter of days.
It is a love-hate relationship that I still feel about her. On one hand I still love her dearly for the goodness she gave and for all that she aspired to become despite her personal struggles. She was the One who opened up my world to counseling and the path towards healing my burdened life and for that I am eternally grateful that I met her. She had the most beautiful and sexy smile, an infectious laugh and just the loveliest and most silly idiosyncrasies accompanied by the sweetest voice I’ve ever heard. I would make her breakfast in bed with coffee on the weekends and she would surprise me with her homemade chicken pot pie when I returned from business trips. She was so sweet because she would text and inquire when I’d be home because she wanted my meal to be piping hot. She made countless efforts to try to make things better and she put up with my abusive behavior and insecurities time after time.
On the other hand, I am still feeling resentful over some of the things she said and did to me and my son – the cursing, the name-calling and the selfish behaviors at times. She would go grocery shopping and purchase only the things she consumed without any regard for myself or my son especially. She often times dismissed my son despite his struggles and at times yelled at him without conscience. She would ignore him at times and not take any interest in his personal hobbies. She would brag to her friends and praise the day when she was going to be his step-mom but behind the scenes I think she wasn’t prepared to take on the actual responsibilities. In the end she never even said goodbye to him which reminds me how little investment she had with him.
Hence, the love-hate feelings that I still have some days. It’s a relationship that I feel I never had the opportunity for proper closure and to physically say goodbye to and I struggle some days making peace with that.
And so today I’ve acknowledged all my feelings of sadness, loneliness and misery. I also meditated, exercised and ate a relatively healthy meal, however I still feel depressed. My dear friend always says to me, “Jason, writing is cathartic”, so I thought what better way to allow my blues to come in and out than to write about it. Though nothing gets resolved and the events that pains me are still a part of my history, at the very least I am at peace with my feelings today and will not deny them the space inside of me.